The drive, but no destination

Words by Jo Fisher

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Theme: Ambition

Nominated by Bronwen Rees

The thing is, I know I want to make something of myself and work hard doing so; but as what, I don’t know. I have ambition, but that ambition is not defined.

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I am driven. I was always trying my best and striving for As and A*s and House Points throughout primary and secondary school – and then, at University, 2:1s, Firsts, and Distinctions. I knew, even at a young age, that I wanted to get somewhere. I wanted a Big Life; one that was full of achievements large and little. I wanted to do my best in whatever I did; to feel satisfied, and motivated and loved by others for my brain, or my writing, or whatever it was that I would be honing and growing and working on. Things have not changed. You might say I have ambition; a comment at which I will cringe and deny, even though it probably is the right word. I don’t feel confident or talented or bold enough for it, but ambition is what it most likely is. Ambition: a word associated with high-fliers, cut-throat entrepreneurs and celebrities. People who won’t stop until they have achieved a goal they started aiming for five/ten/twenty years ago. But what if you have ambition, but not AN ambition? At 28, I still cannot tell you what I want to be when I grow up. It changes on practically an annual basis, depending on what my passions are at that specific time. In 1998, I longed to be a vet. In 2008, I toyed with the idea of being a teacher. Now, in 2018, I am trying my hand at being a poet, of sorts. Who knows what I’ll be in 2028. A mother, perhaps, a journalist, or maybe a freelancer. The thing is, I know I want to make something of myself and work hard doing so; but as what, I don’t know. I have ambition, but that ambition is not defined. According to dear old society – or other people, or the media – it seems you either have a well thought-out, specific goal in life...or you don’t, and just sort of float from day to day. This doesn’t seem quite right to me. Like most things in life, there’s a spectrum here; a grey area that can morph and change depending on your circumstances, mental health, confidence, and age.

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Having ambition is not the same as having an ambition, and it is perfectly ok to feel the drive without a destination.

Ambition is the same as anything else; your sexuality, your political opinions; your appetite. It can wane, or it can change, or it can remain exactly the same for your entire life. Furthermore, ambition doesn't have to be a scary word. Ambition doesn’t mean conquering the world, being famous, earning lots of money or buying a second home in Crete. It is not the Beyonce or Kanye of the word world. I’d say it’s more down-to-earth, more approachable; like an artist or actor who creates amazing work but keeps themselves to themselves, and out of the gossip columns; like Emma Watson, or Tom Hanks. Ambition can be aiming to create a family unit you never had growing up; earning enough money to rent a nice flat alone; having the child you so desperately ache for through any means necessary; learning to cook pasta really well from scratch; working out what you want in bed; learning Japanese; living in good health. Ambition is short term and long term. It is a big, stony, monolithic force of nature and an ember with long-term burning potential. It is spontaneous and everlasting. It is as powerful as a hurricane that’s been given your father’s name, and as subtle as an autumn-day breeze that softly shakes ginger leaves from trees. Ambition is a journey without an end, and it is a destination without a planned route. Having ambition is not the same as having an ambition, and it is perfectly ok to feel the drive without a destination.

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I haven’t got a goal; a defined ambition, which could be both a mistake and a blessing.

For me, perhaps due to my own ill-defined ambition, I’ll probably never feel satisfied, because I don’t have an end goal. I’ll probably just keep on going, like a Foucault pendulum, in different directions with varying force, until I die or give up – whichever comes first. “You must be working on your first novel!” people claim when I tell them I am a writer. “You want to get published, yes?” You might say that; but published where, I don’t know, and how, I’m not sure. A novel, a poetry collection, a memoir, a column in a favourite magazine? Yes, to all...and no. Maybe I won’t ever be ‘published’ officially. Maybe I will choose to perform my pieces or keep my work to myself. Maybe I will give up on writing altogether, or choose to edit other people’s words. Maybe I won’t have the chance to get to that stage. Maybe I just really want to go into Marketing. Maybe I’ll turn to fine art next. For now, I just want to be good with words, and for other people to enjoy the ones I share. I haven’t got a goal; a defined ambition, which could be both a mistake and a blessing. Perhaps it’s because of my fear of failure; perhaps it’s for the freedom to evolve. I don’t want to have to explain why I don’t know what I’m doing, or how I want my work to end up. I am quite happy just driving forward at varying speeds, deliberating about my route at the next junction, and taking rest stops when I need to. So please, call me ambitious, but don’t ask me what my ambition is. I won’t be able to answer you; not for now, at least.

Jo is a 28-year old self-proclaimed storyteller, poet, and writer. She lives in Southampton in the UK. Jo is a romantic, a worrier, a lover of comedy, wordplay, and a people-pleaser. By day, she writes and edits copy about research and education; by night, she spends her time trying to make things rhyme. Over the last year, she’s dabbled in spoken word, poetry slams and open mic nights. You can find her on Twitter (@joannefisher), Instagram (@jo_fisher_) or on her blog (jofisherwrites.com ).

Jo Fisher nominates Louise Goux-Wirth

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